• I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s really hard having a very logical father who will always find great arguments when I’m trying to ask permission and who can battle down all my reasoning at a snap of a finger. I’m sorry I keep doing things that I know You wouldn’t like me to do. It’s so hard always doing the right thing. And I'm sorry I've been so out of it lately. You know everything I've been going through and even if I don't always go to You, I'm glad You're always still there. You've always been. I miss being in Your loving embrace.

• You’re the best secret-keeper anyone could ever have. Even if I know you have a million other things you’d rather be doing, you still sit listen to me rant about absolutely everything and you still comment and really try to understand what I’m saying even if what’s coming out of my mouth is the most boring and useless thing on the entire face of this earth. You’re the only one who knows all my different moods almost every single time. You’ve been my best friend for the longest time now and though you see every bad face that I have, you’re still on my side.

• I like how we can be not in touch for months and months and still know that we’re there for each. I love how we somehow have this mutual understanding and that even if we don’t talk as much as I’d like us to, I can still always go to you if ever I need anything at all. I really wish we could hang out more often and I wish I could see you more than I do now. You’re going to be really busy soon and I regret not being able to spend more time with you. I miss you already.

• You make me feel really bad sometimes. You don’t intentionally mean to do so and I know that you’ll feel awful and guilty if you knew this, but you just do. I can’t help but feel bad every time we do things behind their back or when I remember their disappointed faces when they found out. And still that horrible afternoon remains. No matter how much I try to bury it or how much I want to erase it from my mind, I can’t. I think this is just one of those times when I’m remember it and see it in a bad light as the cause of much heartache, instead of seeing it as the reason why we’re this close today. Sometimes, you can be really disappointing. Maybe it’s because I expect so much from you and I guess that’s a mistake on my part, but when you don’t do things you say you will or when things don’t go according to plan, I really get disappointed. Where do we stand? I don’t know where we are and where we should be and if you’re actually planning to do anything about it for us to be able to move forward from where we stand now. The guilt is killing me. I thought you had a plan.

• All my life I’ve been trying to live up to all your expectations, but lately, it’s been really hard to do just that. I don’t know why you can’t see that I’m my own person and that I’m actually different from what you want me to be. It’s hard being under your watchful eye all the time, as if I’m always being tested or scrutinized. I don’t have to be like you. I’m just different.

• You’re growing up so fast! I’m one to talk. But still, you are! I’m really happy for you even if other people may have different views on what you’re going through. Maybe it’s coz I know how it feels – I know how you feel. And if it makes you as happy as I think you are, then I support you 100%. Besides, I trust that you won’t be doing anything stupid and I trust that he won’t either because he knows that if he does, then I’m going to come after him with my new dissection kit. I feel kind of bad because I know we don’t hang out as much as I’d like us to, but I guess I can understand why we don’t. Just know that even if I don’t give the best advice and even if I’m not the best listener, I’m always going to just be around, ok? 9 years is a really long time to be close, close, close friends with somebody and I really don’t want the change of scene to make it any different.

• You mean the world to me. I really find it hard to imagine how I possibly lived the first seventeen years of my life without you. I mean, you’re the type of person you realize fills up some empty part in your life which you never knew needed to be filled until it was filled up and somehow, being without you will never be okay anymore. I don’t know how you put up with all my hidden emo-ness and my horrible mood swings. I don’t know why you’re still around even when I can give you the hardest times and put you through so much, which you don’t deserve to go through. Sometimes, I don’t even feel deserving of the love you give me. It’s just so much and so overwhelming that lately, it’s been causing me to drive some certain friends crazy because of the way I text, to start randomly singing love songs at the top of my voice, even when in the middle of class, to stare blissfully into space, to doodle endlessly on my notebooks and to wish I could just take some moments, freeze them and put them in a box which I can just jump into whenever I feel sad. I’ve come to realize that it’s not all happiness. There are tears, anger confusion, fears, but at the same time, there are smiles, laughter, joys and understanding. All of those can happen. And even after everything, I would not take back a single thing. Everything that has happened between us happened for some reason. And us being strong and making it through this, only shows that what we have is strong enough to last a lifetime.

• I think you’re annoying.

• I don’t know what to make of you and your actions. I honestly don’t understand what is it you feel for me. At the start, things were just really awkward between us. Even if you were really fun and funny and a great conversationalist, I still felt like I couldn’t get along with you, no matter how much you tried to make an effort. And just when things finally started to get comfortable around you, it starts getting awkward all over again. I really don’t know why. And somehow, it’s just with you. I’m fine with everyone else. I don’t know what to make of this.

• I know that you’re trying hard to be my close friend again, even after what happened and I appreciate you for trying your best to understand. But please know that it’s so hard for me to open up again to you. I don’t know why you can’t see things from my eyes and I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to comprehend why I did what I did. After all, you have been through what I’m going through now. You said that you’re always going to be on my side, but I honestly think you and he are the enemy in this case and I don’t like that the two of you are. I’m not used to not being able to trust you with certain things and I’m feeling more distant to you than ever. I don’t know how long it will take to make things right again and I don’t know if things between us can get better, but I’m really hoping it does. I’ve known you my whole life and to go on living with this uncomfortable aura between us seems so unbearable. I’m trying so hard to fix this.

• Your friends all the way over here miss you. I miss you.

• It sucks that you’re so far away now. No one can ever appreciate randomness the way you do. It’s weird that you’re not so up-to-date anymore with everything that happens with me and you even find out about them long after they’ve happened, when it’s over and done with. I guess that’s partially my fault. I’m sorry for not being so in-touch. I hate myself for being so busy. But I’m so glad that when we do get to talk, it’s like nothing’s even slightly changed. You’re one of those people I can stop talking to in the middle of a conversation and start up again five years later and everything will still be the same – if we can remember the topic being discussed, seeing as how we both have very bad memory. I hope you don’t do anything that may destroy your larynx anymore. We should go to McDo one of these days and order everything they have (except salad and fish).

• I’m sorry for putting you through so much these past years. Sometimes, I really feel as if I’m not good enough. I feel so undeserving. I’m sorry for tanking you as much as I should for everything you’ve done for me. I’m seriously the luckiest person in the world because you’re in my life and I pity those who will go their whole lives without knowing you.

• I’m sorry I keep brushing you aside and taking you for granted. You’ve always been there for me and I guess I sometimes forget to appreciate everything you’ve done and continue to do. I’m sorry I even get irritated at times, thinking that you’re such an annoyance in my life, when, in fact, you’re nothing like that. I’m sorry for treating you like one.

• You’re not as young as you used to be. You’re not the troublesome teenager you once were just a few years back. I’m really hoping you’ve matured already so that my dad will start feeling comfortable with me hanging out with you more. We actually have a lot in common, more than I’d like to admit. But even with your shady past, I really admire you for so many things. You’re really one of the strongest persons I know. You’ve been through so much and now, you’re still standing, proudly even. Life has thrown you so many trials already it’s even at your most down times of your life, you still pull through with a grin plastered across your face. I don’t know anyone else who’s had to endure so much loss over the course of only a few years and I really think highly of you for being able to put your past behind you and start again. You’ve still got so much more in life to go through, and I hope you deal with everything the way you’ve dealt with the things in your past. I’m always praying for you.

• I feel like we’re drifting apart. Maybe it’s the change into this new phase in our lives. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. But lately, I’ve noticed that we really don’t talk as much and although we’re near each other, we rarely hang out. I see less and less of you as the weeks pass. Talking with you and spending time with you is still comfortable but I don’t feel that sense of closeness we had before and nowadays, I actually start running out of things to talk to you about, which has never happened before. You’re too good a friend for me to lose but I don’t know what I can do to keep the friendship we have as strong as it was before.

• I’m sorry I always get mad at you. I promise I don’t mean to. You just catch me at not-so-great times. I’m trying hard to always be there for you and to understand you even when it’s really hard to sometimes, considering our age gap. I’ll try harder. I promise I will.

• I didn’t realize how much I missed you till you were already gone. We were never actually particularly close and I know I could still have had my “bonding time” with you, but I guess it just never happened. In a lot of ways, I really looked up to you. I admired you for so many things. I really feel it was unfair I never got to know you as well as everyone else did. I regret that I was too shy to even try to get closer to you. I know that He has a plan for everything, but I really wish you didn’t have to go. Our family’s incomplete without you.

• I know that you only want what’s best for me. Only tonight did I realize everything you’ve done to make sure I grow up feeling loved and cared for. I’m sorry for taking it all for granted.

• How everyone sees you is so different from whom you really are. You’re always hiding. And you hardly let anyone in. I don’t know why you can’t see that there are people who care so much about you. You don’t always have to put on that mask everyday. You might not be aware of it, but there are actually some people who can see through your smile. You shouldn’t care so much about those who judge you when you don’t act like your normal self. Those people aren’t worth your time or effort. It doesn’t matter if you do something that’s not something you wouldn’t do. Never hide your feelings. It’s normal to have your down moments. Besides, it is slightly unnatural to be happy all the time. Everyone has something to deal with. 8:59 PM